Letter to my child

I stashed this letter in the couch cushions of the spare bedroom in my grandmother's house. I remember having to rescue the letter when they moved the next year. It's true, I'm embarrassed about the Tao reference, but overall I think it's an thoughtful and honest treatment of the subject.
1. Lukas 1. Eva
2. Eon 2. Ana
3. Diego 3. Aurora
4. Gable 4. Vivian
5. Jakob 5. Zoe

June 9, 1997

Um, hi.

I'm at work. I just got off lunch. Last night I Karma Odom at the hospital. Her parent, Michelle and Hailey were so happy, proud and loving. I wanted what they had, a new life. A life of my own to love and care for. Something so helpless and beautiful, a representation of the magic and balance that is nature.

I was coming home from lunch and I was thinking about getting married and kids and what not. This lead me to reflect back on when I was young. What I wanted, what I needed, what I believed turned all to dust. I'm not sure when, but at some point in putting away childish things, I feel like I got old too fast. Maybe it's this 8-4 job where I sit in an office and thumb through files. At first I hated it, but now I've grown accustomed to this light. It's a particular way of seeing things. I used to want to write novels and change the world. What happened? I'm getting off track, this was supposed to be a positive message.

Somehow, I'm reminded of a boy I knew all of my freshman year. He left a lot of things unsaid and at the end of the year he had only to say that he wished he had told me. I knew what he was going to say, sometimes I wish he had, but he didn't and things turned out a certain way. The twists and turns of life are no consequence, I suppose. Take things easy and without stress. Stress is for people who cannot follow the paths their lives take them. They are forcing other paths making life too complicated. Believe in yourself and that which you have been given.

I wish I had been more easy going and laid back when I was younger. I'd have better memories of those times.

If I'm ever like a total straight laced fuddy duddy (what a weird word) and I'm stressed about work or whatever just remind me that I'm straying away from tao. I hope I still believe in Eastern Philosophy. I hope my husband doesn't make me be a Christian or anything horrid like that.

Oh and I had to decide whether or not I would be a strict mom. My parents were and I hated it. Now that i think about it, it wasn't so bad. I think it helped me make better decisions on how to live my youth. Besides, those parents who like all smoke out with their kids scare me. It's weird. I want yall to have the same ideals I do. I can't make anyone think a certain way, but I'd like to see my kids grow up aware and alive instead of mute and conformist. It's so much easier to see the world clearly though open eyes than through hazed eyes shaded by society.

I hope I'm a good mom. I think my mom did a pretty good job. Sure I was mad at here when I was 15-17 but I got over it. Actually, I went to college. Best decision I ever made. College is super cool. Rent free living on your own terms. Who could ask for more?

Don't get all mad at me and think I'm being irrational. I'm not so great at always being logical. A super-emotional kid like me always lets "stuff" get in the way.

I wonder if I'll still be in to the same things. I wonder if I'll drive 500 miles to Guided by Voices when I'm 30 years old. I wonder if music will still be a big part of my life. I wonder if I'll watch TV or shop at trendy grocery stores. I wonder who your father is. It's so much more fun to be a kid and hang out then to be a grown up.

I hope I have a good job, not some boring 9-5 office job. I guess this is just me venting some things that are on my mind. I started to say some things that would better help you and I relate. It's hard to see old people as once young. I hope I'm always young at heart. If I'm not, if I'm completely lost in the old people world of money and bills, remember there was once a time when all I ever did was go to concerts and hang out drinking coffee and writing lame short stories.

The future is uncertain but I know I'll love my kids and I'll try my best to help them discover the world and themselves. Life is so short. It scares me that I can already see h ow quickly time passes, how years slip away. I'm still young, I think.

Oh and you should get good grades, cuz high school is ez and college is the most fun ever. Even the best day or night of high school pales in comparison. So get good grades so you can go.

Don't do drugs, cuz they are boring and make you sit on the couch for a long time, when you could be out living life. and plus they suck.